3-Minute Breathing Space: Basic Instructions

Awareness

Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture. If possible, close your eyes. Then aske:

“What is my experience right now …in thoughts…in feelings…and in bodily sensations?

Acknowledge and register your experience, even if it is unwanted.

Gathering

Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each inbreath, and to each outbreath as they follow, one after the other.

Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tune into a state of awareness and stillness.

Expanding

Expand the field of your awareness around your breathing, so that it includes a sense of the body as a whole, your posture, and facial expression.

The breathing space provides a way to step out of automatic pilot mode and reconnect with the present moment

The key skill in using MBCT is to maintain awareness in the moment. Nothing else.

from Segal, Williams, and Teasdale Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression (2002)

See more progress on: complete the Kabat-Zinn eight week mindfulness training program

Day 3 of 15: 1 hour meditation, 1 mile in 7:49, 1 mile walking

The long meditation was a stretch, but it wasn’t too difficult. At the end I mixed it up by sitting in alternating half lotus. The mile felt good. I wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow. Tonight I will go to an hour-long yoga class.

See more progress on: train 75 minutes a day, five days per week, for three weeks

Gratitude today

sunshine and air conditioning
I can go outside and get hot, sweaty, and tanned on purpose. Cleo (Kim’s dad) keeps the house a frigid 62 degrees F. I think back to Texas summers in the single-wide trailer that I grew up in. The central air conditioning worked only occasionally, so we had to make do with window units and box fans.

inching closer to my family
I got to bond a little on my trip out to California.

for nice debt collectors
I owe a bunch of people a bunch of money. I just lost my job and I didn’t make a bunch of money then. It’s a good thing I won’t end up in prison or in stocks for my debt. It’s the upside to our debt-happy culture.

for a cat who loves me
She’s a nice animal. She’s affectionate and smart. I hope she lives a good long time.

See more progress on: Live in gratitude & be happy even if the rest of the things on this list never happen

Catching up Some

what happened

The events of Wednesday through Saturday seem to blur together. This is why I try to journal daily. I talked to Ken and Basil on Thursday. Friday began with me finishing the process of being fired, then typing notes from the book Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression at my parents’ house. I spent Saturday at home, sleeping and reading a book about climate change.

details

I just happen to be reading two three books that touch on journal writing and one that features mindfulness. Jana Levin’s How the Universe Got Its Spots is written as a diary addressed to the physicist’s mother. Walden is mostly the result of Thoreau’s prolific journal writing, as encouraged by Emerson. And Field Notes from a Catastrophe is mostly, well, a carefully edited set of field notes. Thoreau’s book centers on his meditative encounter with nature. It is a fabulous companion to my investigation into mindfulness.

I spent Wednesday at home. I finished my work on the hedges. I worked off and on for several hours, sweating in the sun, trying to get the perfect shape out of the bushes. Cleo joined me for a while, trimming the beds with the weedeater and cutting down some limbs in the back yard. I cooked dinner for Kim. I met her at the door with a kiss and brought her to the bathroom for a hot bubble bath. We ate angel hair pasta and veggie meatballs while watching Ren and Stimpy. Ren and Stimpy killed the romantic mood, but we enjoyed the cherry pie all the same.

I talked to Ken on Thursday morning, after I dropped Kim off at class. It was a good conversation: he was impressed with the level of resilience I have shown in the past two weeks. Talking to him each week has helped me a great deal. I stopped by Dr. Bernstein’s office for an appointment in the afternoon. He listened patiently while I recounted the events of the week. He’s an extraordinary doctor.

Friday brought my second meeting with Sam. I wore my black jeans, a black tank top, and my black vest. People kept saying I looked like Rambo, which was not my intention. It’s a funny outfit to wear on the day that you fill out your exit paperwork. That night, we watched The Last King of Scotland.

Saturday was (too) uneventful. I was sleepy after the late night of movie watching. I slept in after dropping Kim off at work. I did polish off Elizabeth Kolbert’s book on climate changing. It was scary.

this week I was amazed by

the story of the dramatic impact we are having on our climate.

the delicious first few chapters in Janna Levin’s book. It’s a personal account of one scientist’s experience with math and physics

the possibilities of an intense martial arts practice

See more progress on: journal daily

Three Days of Mending

what happened

Kim and I started to mend things between us. I started to mend a badly torn shirt. We went to Kalachandji’s, then to the used bookstore, Half-Price Books. I spent most of Monday cleaning the house. On Tuesday, I was fired.

details

I had prepared myself to stay at my parents after my drive back from California. We unpacked all of the luggage and put it into their apartment. I've always found their apartment vaguely depressing and on this night it felt doubly oppressive, since there was nothing I wanted more than to sleep in my own bed with my cat and wife. I tried calling her, but she didn't answer her cell phone.

I walked out of the apartment, looking for some kind of relief. In the state of mind I was in, I probably would have been better off going to sleep. It had been a long drive. But instead of going to bed, I wandered around in the dark. Woodhaven is a rundown neighborhood in Fort Worth. Dozens of apartment complexes drape a wooded hill. It was once an exclusive development of apartments and townhomes but time and neglect have taken their toll. The paint peels off of many of the buildings and the tenants move in and out often. My dad called and reminded me that it wasn't a good idea to stroll around Woodhaven in the dark. I didn't care much, but I eventually found my way back to the apartment.

Kim finally answered her phone. She had gone to S4 with her friend Britney, to see the drag show in the Rose Room. She agreed to come pick me up so that we could talk. We kissed awkwardly when she picked me up. Neither of us knew where we stood, so we tiptoed gingerly with our words. I was still feeling hurt and betrayed, she felt angry, frustrated, and afraid. We fell asleep without reaching any resolution. I didn't sleep well, and stumbled out of bed after a while to sit in the office and read. I couldn't concentrate but I was too tired to sleep. I stripped down and climbed back into bed. I woke her up with my kisses and we made passionate love. We hadn’t touched for two weeks, so the sex was heated and hungry.

We ended up having a lot of sex over the next few days. It helped us break past the bad emotions that were blocking our affection for each other. She sent me a text message today (Wednesday) that said, "I was just sitting at a stop light thinking about how beautiful you are...I love you so much."

On Sunday, we went to our favorite vegetarian restaurant, Kalachandji’s. It was nice. They served tofu “fish” sticks, which made me think about Moona. We went to Half-Price books after dinner. I was on the hunt for a few more books about physics. Kim got a few fashion and anthropology books.

I stayed at home on Monday and cleaned the house. I spent the afternoon in the yard, trimming the hedges in front. I’m trying for a cool curvy shape, but it is hard to do one that looks nice. It was nice to work outside in the sun with my shirt off. Kim picked me up after work and we went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner.

I woke up later than I had planned on Tuesday. Kim dropped me off at the train station on her way to class. I didn’t know what to expect when I got in. I have been away for three weeks. The floor staff all said that they’d missed me. “Where’ve you been?” Out sick. The place seemed deserted—no Jonathon, no Cale, no Megan, and no Lucy. When I passed by the studio, I was surprised to see Megan talking to Sammie, Rockey, and Brandy. The air was thick with tension. Sammie said, “You should go talk to Sam.” It was clear that she’d been talking with him already. I went down to his office. He told me that they couldn’t afford to keep me on full time. The grant had ended, the building was closing for the rebuild, and the Museum needed to pull in its belt. He wasn’t happy about it and he offered me a part-time position. I said I’d think about it. Sammie is a really bad person to have as an enemy. She’s crafty and can turn people against you. She even had my wife second guessing me and our marriage. My firing was probably inevitable. We had hired more staff than we could support, especially with the building closing for the remodel. But it’s likely that Sammie’s input pushed it along. Anyhow, I’m looking at it as a chance to finish school and make some other changes that are long overdue.

Kim and I went to the library downtown to kill time until our yoga class. We checked out a stack of DVDs. I also checked out a stack of books and CDs. I checked out…

• A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
• Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman by James Gleick
• Field Notes from a Catastrophe: Man, Nature, and Climate change by Elizabeth Kolbert
• The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality by Brian Greene, and
• A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong

Ashtanga yoga class was fantastic. It was vigorous but it left me energetic and relaxed. Mary Elizabeth is a good teacher. I’d like to practice daily.

See more progress on: journal daily

Driving

what happened

On Thursday, I dropped Latifah off at work, then took her drop-top Mercedes for a drive up the Pacific Coast Highway. I stopped at a beautiful home in Malibu that had been turned into a Museum. I also stopped at a small bookstore and a vintage porn shop. We drove back to Texas on Friday and Saturday.

details

Malibu is beautiful! I ended up there by accident on Thursday. I asked Latifah to use her car for the day. I thought it would be fun to drive her Mercedes convertible in L.A. traffic. I intended to take Hanan to the science Museum, but it took the whole day for Halimah to finish tightening her dredlocks. I dropped Latifah off at her job in Santa Monica and ate breakfast at a pretty little restuarant there. I sat at the counter reading Walden and flirting with the waitress. I hoped in Latifah’s car and spent the next thirty minutes trying to figure out how to put the top down. Then I took off driving without any particular destination. I wound up on the Pacific Coast Highway. It felt great to drive fast down the winding road. The ocean was on my left and mountains were on my right. Tony Williams’ drums were louder than the ocean.

I saw a sign for the Malibu Lagoon State Beach and pulled over. I wandered around for a while and found myself on the grounds of the Adamson House. Bursts of flowers and a meticulously kept lawn surrounded the house. It was built in a Spanish Colonial style. I paid the five dollars and took the tour. The house was breathtakingly beautiful, inside and out.

Inside the Adamson House. The “rug” is actually tile.

I drove a bit further down the coast, stopping when I found a bookstore called Diesel. I found a stack of fascinating books on physics. I also found a beautiful book of tattoes. I bought Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations for ten bucks and escaped without spending any more money. I ate an overpriced quesadilla, then drove back to L.A. I tried to go the aviation museum at the Santa Monica airport, but it was closed. On my way back out to Latifah’s job, I found a cool little porn bookstore. They had hundreds of vintage Playboys and Hustlers from the sixties on. I parked in the garage on 2nd street and went over to the mall. I found out later that there were six identical parking garages on that block. I spent a half hour frantically searching for Latifah’s car when I started in the wrong garage.

I went to sleep early that night. I notice that my mood is often low at night, especially if I am tired. I went to bed thinking dark thoughts, but I woke up refreshed and happy.

Sandy and George stopped by to say goodbye. We got on the road after a stop at Auntie Janice’s house. I drove from L.A. to Pheonix. I sped the whole way, topping out at 115 mph. It was exhilarating.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. When I called Kim late Friday night, she suggested again that I stay at my parents until we got things sorted out. I agreed, begrudgingly. Mom gave Hanan a hard time about the shirt she was wearing and made her put on a jacket even thought it was a hundred degrees. I scooted over next to her while she cried in the back seat. Kim ended up picking me up anyway, we had a tense conversation before falling asleep.

this weekend I was awed by

the mountains and beach and ocean of the Pacific coast

this weekend I was intrigued by

Thoreau’s ideas about clothes and houses

the possibilities for traveling across the United States. I want to hop freight trains one day. Or ride a motorcycle across the U.S. In a few years, when Hanan gets her driving license, we plan to go on a grand road trip around the American West.

See more progress on: journal daily

a wedding and a drum circle

what happened

On Tuesday, I went to three Museums in Exposition Park. That night we went to Rudy’s wedding and wedding reception. The reception was fun, laughing and dancing with family and friends. I spent the night at my sibling’s tiny apartment. The next day, we spent the 4th of July at Venice Beach.

details

I had a long, heated conversation with Latifah and mom this morning. We started talking about science, theories, beliefs, and personality. It was the oldy-but-goody conversation: they think I’m closed minded and I think they aren’t critical enough. I should probably avoid that conversation with them. It doesn’t lead to much bonding or understanding. I will not retreat from my allegiance to critical thinking and reason. But my relationships are sometimes more important than ideas.

Latifah dropped me off at Exposition Park late in the morning. I’d been planning to visit a few museums since I got to L.A. I started out at the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County. It is in a huge beautiful building, the walls are polished limestone, the floors are marble and stone, and the cases are built from hard woods. It is an old-fashioned museum, filled with dioramas and dinosaur skeletons. I was impressed by their exhibit on birds. They had tried harder to make the exhibit a better learning experience than the older halls filled with stuffed mammals. It was great fun.

I walked down past the rose gardens to the ScienCenter of California. Admission was free. The building was much more modern than the Natural History Museum and the museum was more lively and interesting. They had many of the familiar Exploratorium exhibits and a bunch of traveling shows. I was excited by the entrance to their exhibit on life – they’d constructed a very cool media experience that showed how much human life has in common with all other life. You stood in a hallway with seven large screens as images and videos flashed on each screen, telling the story of how all life is connected. Fascinating! This exhibit also featured a live action microscope magnified two-hundred times and projected on the floor. I didn’t want to see too much of the Museum, because I wanted to take Hanan there another day.

The last Museum I visited was the African-American Museum. It’s in a pretty building and it featured an exhibit about Architecture in Africa. I enjoyed this one as well, but I’d like to bring Dad back to it.

I came back to the house from Exposition Park on a bus. I got off two miles away and walked over to granddad’s house. I threw on my black slacks, black shirt, and white sport coat to go to the wedding. They held it a fancy church in Beverly Hills. There was a lot of tension and a lot of drama surrounding the wedding, but it was mostly just fun.

The reception happened at the Bel Aire country club, looking out over the Pacific Ocean. It was an elaborate affair, with dancing and toasts and fireworks. The DJ was pretty good and we all enjoyed the music he played. We did some group dances and I enjoyed the feeling of spinning and dancing in a crowd of my relatives. There was an awkward speech by the best friend of the bride. It sounded like she dated Rudy first, and introduced him to his wife. She sounded bitter about it, but it was hard to tell through all the tears. The mother of the bride gave another long speech about her relationship to her daughter (with little mention of Rudy). Rudy’s parents were barely included in the wedding and the reception. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet; instead she gave it to her best friend, her mom. A little strange, but we had fun. Rudy is such a romantic. He even ordered fireworks for his bride.

We got back to their apartment late Tuesday night. They all live in a ten by ten room behind some Mexican family’s house. It’s a shabby place with a tarp on the roof and no air conditioning. Arletta just got a call back with a job offer from a clothing store.

I had a long fight with Kim on the phone. She’s frustrated and I’m fed up. I’m thinking about just staying out here in California for a while. She’s tired of dealing with me and my moods. I guess I understand.

We spent the rest of the day at the beach. After a long nap, I wandered down and found the drum circle again. I played a cowbell, then I borrowed a djembe from this cool Hawaiian guy. I alternated between a tambourine and the cowbell. It was a lot of fun.

today I was awed by

the brilliant photos of interstellar objects, taken by the Hubble space telescope

dancing and playing in the drum circle again

today I was intrigued by

chaparral. I really want to do some hiking before we leave on Friday

the families of birds I saw at the Natural History museum. I’d like to learn all the families, and a bit of bird biology.

See more progress on: journal daily

Driving to Los Angeles

what happened

I drove from Texas to L.A. with my mom, dad, and little sister.

details

We drove for twenty-two hours. I saw desert and mountains and fields of windmills. I read about how gigantic the universe really is. I also listened to hours of Miles Davis recordings.

highlights

I danced and danced and banged on a cowbell in a drum circle on the beach.

I read most of a wonderful story—how we figured out the size, age and origin of the universe.

See more progress on: journal daily