what happened
I was off today – off of work and off center. I slept in the car for most of the day while Kim worked. Then we went to the DMA for a lecture on jewelry from the Indian subcontinent.
details
I attribute it to waiting until the afternoon to take my Lexapro. I usually take half a dose first thing in the morning. Either way, I was in a funk for most of the day. I slept in the car while Kim went to class, drove her to Fort Worth, then slept in the car while she worked from 1:00 until 6:00. I ate lunch, scraped together enough change for a gallon of gas and a pack of Now-n-Laters, then went back to sleep. I thought about how I’ve used sweets to self-medicate since I was very young. I can remember compulsively eating all the candy I could get my hands on. From the lens of adulthood, I see this as my way of making myself feel better when my moods were storming. Thank God for cheap candy. A well-tuned brain would have been a better gift, but I’ll take what I can get.
Kim and I drove to Dallas after she got off of work. They had a guest lecturer tonight. Kim was excited about seeing her because she read her book last semester. Susan L. Beningson is a jewelry collector who specializes in gold jewelry from India. She was a poor lecturer, mumbling and inanimate. Even Kim was bored. At least the museum was fun. We played around in the gift shop for an hour, then drove back to Trophy Club.
I called in my prescription, so we stopped by the Walgreens on our way home. At home, I meditated for an hour, then I gave Kim a shoulder and neck massage for a half hour. Sleep was welcome tonight.
gratitude
then
I’m grateful for growing up in a house surrounded by books. My mother was much more of a reader than my dad, although he had more books than she did. He read mostly to learn more about Islam and black history. I can’t recall ever seeing him reading a novel. I can picture him with his religious books spread across the bedroom floor, scribbling messy notes onto yellow legal pads. I inherited his love of learning.
My mother was the novel reader. She kept a stack of novels next to her bed and read them at a furious pace, in a race to outrun darkness. She read any chance that she got. Taking care of six kids took most of her time, but she’d read anyway. She had a book to her nose while she waited in the car, between loads at the coin laundry, and during many a late night on the couch. Sometimes she lost her race against her moods. She’d spend long stretches in bed. Then, her books were her only connection to life. If she stopped reading, it was a very bad sign.
I have inherited both the moods and the coping strategy. I’ve often found myself running hard, a dark fog on my heels, clutching a book to my chest like a talisman. I read many novels growing up, in a wide range of genres. Over the years, I read probably a quarter of the books in our small public library. I spent many, many hot summer afternoons buried in a Western or a mystery. My taste has changed over the years. As I got older I tended to choose non-fiction books of psychology, philosophy, or physics. These weren’t as effective as novels at warding off moods, but they were more satisfying intellectually.
The upside to all my compulsive reading is that I’ve learned to read books at a blistering pace. This has been a great boon since I am a naturally curious person. I’ve derived great joy from reading over the years and my world has been tremendously enlarged. For this I am grateful.
now
I have over two-hundred books on my shelves right now. I’ve purchased most of them in the past few years. Most of them I bought from thrift stores and second-hand shops. Fantastic books! I own novels, books of poetry, philosophy, popular science and books on jazz. I could spend the next year doing nothing but reading, and I probably wouldn’t finish my whole collection. For this embarrassment of riches, I am grateful.
in the future
Who knows what wondrous books await me? I can’t imagine ever losing my intense curiosity. The world is such a huge, complex place, I will never run out of things to learn about. I’m especially excited about the great works of imagination that I will encounter – great novels, plays, and poetry that will expand me in ways I can’t predict.
