Simone's Day Off

A month later

2008-05-27T01:34:00.001-07:00

what happened

I haven’t written a journal entry in over a month. Since my last entry, my marriage has improved some, I got promoted to full-time at the Apple store, all the girls visited from California for Dad’s birthday party, and I’ve made some progress playing the guitar.

details

I could try to give a play-by-play of the past six weeks, but the prospect is exhausting. I’m writing this entry at 3:00am, so my concentration isn’t sharp enough to attempt that kind of stunt.

I’m very broke until my full-time hours kick in at Apple. Yes, they offered me full time concierge a few weeks ago. I guess sending my “plan for perfecting concierge” the same day that the regional manager Ginger was visiting went over well. Still, I haven’t seen my hours increase yet, and not working at the restaurant has really cut down my cash flow. I haven’t been able to afford my drugs in the past week. This is why I’m typing a journal entry at this godforsaken hour instead of sleeping. I finally borrowed enough cash from my Mom to buy enough medicine until my paycheck arrives, but my sleep schedule has been askew for at least a week now. Now that I’ll have health insurance, life will be much easier. I can go to my doctor regularly, and buy medicine monthly instead of weekly.

My projects are going well. I’ve managed to conjure a bit more focus for my music and my martial art. If I could turn up the intensity by twenty percent and keep it there for six months, I would make some decent progress on both these fronts. Life is short…

Now I’m going to switch over to free association mode. You’ll need a LiveJournal account to see the results.

See more progress on: Keep a journal

Time with Kim

2008-05-12T09:24:00.001-07:00

Today I’m grateful for the nice weekend I had with my wife…

We went to two vintage stores in Dallas. I bought two great pairs of pants and two shirts. I love clothes from the 70s; they are colorful and flamboyant. That night we drove for an hour out into the country. Our friends were having their wedding on their parent’s farm. The reception was in the barn.

Yesterday, Kim graduated from UTA. It was nice to cheer for her as she walked across the stage. Her Dad was there. Her best friend, Cornell was there too. And so was my family. I took her to Pappadeaux afterwards for a bite to eat and dessert.

Earlier in the day, we had driven to Fort Worth to go to the library. When we got back, I made her pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream. We had a really nice weekend—talking, laughing, joking around, and making love. I am grateful.

See more progress on: Live in gratitude & be happy even if the rest of the things on this list never happen

Sunshine and Flowers

2008-05-04T05:45:00.001-07:00

I woke up early this morning. Now I’m sitting at Kim’s laptop with the blinds open. The sun is shining through the window, but it feels good. It’s been unseasonably cool this week, so the bright sunlight warms my bones. The lilies I bought her are all in bloom—they’re a burst of orange happiness, also soaking in the sunshine.

See more progress on: Live in gratitude & be happy even if the rest of the things on this list never happen

Thoughts from a few years ago...

2008-04-28T12:58:00.001-07:00

I would like to come up with a working definition of “polymath” so I’ll have a standard to judge by. How will we know if we’re approaching this goal? I know it’s a long journey, more than a destination, but wouldn’t it be fun to work out how we would be different when we’d traveled far along that road? Maybe we could pick paragons, people who lived this virtue to an extraordinary degree, and write about the kind of people they were. I’m thinking of a Rene Descartes or a Richard Feynman. Any thoughts or paragon nominations?

I want to create a mind that is disciplined, capable of sustained argument, steeped in the best ideas, and constantly generating new ones. I want to join the conversation of the ages and spend my life in the pursuit of knowledge.

My strongest character traits center on learning and curiosity. There is nothing I enjoy more than applying my brain to difficult tasks and learning about the world around me in intricate detail. I feel charged to use this gift in the service of my society.

I want to spend many hours over the next years immersed in the best ideas of the past two-thousand years. I want to use my mind in a synthetic way, adding original ideas to the conversation. I’d like to become a popularizer of science and philosophy. I don’t think the joy of investigating the world should be held captive by rich old white men. I love museums, libraries, gardens, and science centers and I want to help build more of them.

I plan on pursuing education to the highest level I can manage over the course of my life. I want to earn at least one advanced degree in the social sciences or the humanities. I can see myself writing prolifically. I plan to spend many hours shaping my ideas and feelings into prose. I want to develop a rigorous, poetic writing style and use it to explore the nooks and crevices of the mind and of nature.

I will always approach my work with the spirit of an explorer. I will try my best to use my skills of analysis and observation to improve my work every day. I will work eagerly in my field, taking great care with my work, and treating it as a trust. I will always search for intellectual possibilities in my daily work and nurture my curious nature.

I want to take on major learning projects and stick with them until they bear fruit. I will attempt to master bodies of knowledge in a systematic, but passionate way. I will start, perhaps, with the analytic tradition in Western philosophy and work my way back to the ancients. Can I read everything? I will try, working my way through hundreds of major works of literature, philosophy, drama, and poetry over the course of my lifetime. I will then weave what I’ve learn into my interactions with my students, with my professional audience, and with the public. I will learn because I LOVE to learn. I will learn for the joy of mastering new ideas. I will learn for the exhilaration of scaling intellectual mountains, to stand and look out across the world.

...from USE MY GIFTS of intelligence and curiosity to serve others

See more progress on: become a polymath

Thursday: Books

2008-01-25T04:01:00.001-08:00

what happened

I was off today – off of work and off center. I slept in the car for most of the day while Kim worked. Then we went to the DMA for a lecture on jewelry from the Indian subcontinent.

details

I attribute it to waiting until the afternoon to take my Lexapro. I usually take half a dose first thing in the morning. Either way, I was in a funk for most of the day. I slept in the car while Kim went to class, drove her to Fort Worth, then slept in the car while she worked from 1:00 until 6:00. I ate lunch, scraped together enough change for a gallon of gas and a pack of Now-n-Laters, then went back to sleep. I thought about how I’ve used sweets to self-medicate since I was very young. I can remember compulsively eating all the candy I could get my hands on. From the lens of adulthood, I see this as my way of making myself feel better when my moods were storming. Thank God for cheap candy. A well-tuned brain would have been a better gift, but I’ll take what I can get.

Kim and I drove to Dallas after she got off of work. They had a guest lecturer tonight. Kim was excited about seeing her because she read her book last semester. Susan L. Beningson is a jewelry collector who specializes in gold jewelry from India. She was a poor lecturer, mumbling and inanimate. Even Kim was bored. At least the museum was fun. We played around in the gift shop for an hour, then drove back to Trophy Club.

I called in my prescription, so we stopped by the Walgreens on our way home. At home, I meditated for an hour, then I gave Kim a shoulder and neck massage for a half hour. Sleep was welcome tonight.

gratitude

then
I’m grateful for growing up in a house surrounded by books. My mother was much more of a reader than my dad, although he had more books than she did. He read mostly to learn more about Islam and black history. I can’t recall ever seeing him reading a novel. I can picture him with his religious books spread across the bedroom floor, scribbling messy notes onto yellow legal pads. I inherited his love of learning.

My mother was the novel reader. She kept a stack of novels next to her bed and read them at a furious pace, in a race to outrun darkness. She read any chance that she got. Taking care of six kids took most of her time, but she’d read anyway. She had a book to her nose while she waited in the car, between loads at the coin laundry, and during many a late night on the couch. Sometimes she lost her race against her moods. She’d spend long stretches in bed. Then, her books were her only connection to life. If she stopped reading, it was a very bad sign.

I have inherited both the moods and the coping strategy. I’ve often found myself running hard, a dark fog on my heels, clutching a book to my chest like a talisman. I read many novels growing up, in a wide range of genres. Over the years, I read probably a quarter of the books in our small public library. I spent many, many hot summer afternoons buried in a Western or a mystery. My taste has changed over the years. As I got older I tended to choose non-fiction books of psychology, philosophy, or physics. These weren’t as effective as novels at warding off moods, but they were more satisfying intellectually.

The upside to all my compulsive reading is that I’ve learned to read books at a blistering pace. This has been a great boon since I am a naturally curious person. I’ve derived great joy from reading over the years and my world has been tremendously enlarged. For this I am grateful.

now
I have over two-hundred books on my shelves right now. I’ve purchased most of them in the past few years. Most of them I bought from thrift stores and second-hand shops. Fantastic books! I own novels, books of poetry, philosophy, popular science and books on jazz. I could spend the next year doing nothing but reading, and I probably wouldn’t finish my whole collection. For this embarrassment of riches, I am grateful.

in the future
Who knows what wondrous books await me? I can’t imagine ever losing my intense curiosity. The world is such a huge, complex place, I will never run out of things to learn about. I’m especially excited about the great works of imagination that I will encounter – great novels, plays, and poetry that will expand me in ways I can’t predict.

See more progress on: journal daily

Next steps

2007-10-15T18:31:00.001-07:00

Big Steps

Get Kim to help me decide where I want to live
Use informational interviewing to identify the job I want. During the interviews, answer the following questions:
1. What are the names of the jobs that would use my strongest and most enjoyable skills and fields of knowledge?
2. What kinds of organizations have such jobs?
3. What are the names of the organizations that I particularly like, among those uncovered in Question 2?
4. What needs do they have, or what outcomes are they trying to produce, that my skills could help with?
Use my network to identify and seek out the person who actually has the power to hire me for the job I want at the organizations I identify.
Use my contacts to get in to see him or her. Show the person with the power to hire me how I can help them with their problem. Show them how I would stand out as “one employee in a hundred.”
Cut no corners, take no shortcuts

Little steps

Design and print business cards, thank-you cards, and a letterhead
Make a list of “people who could help me name my ideal job.” Call them and set up ten-minute interviews.
Interview a dozen people
Send each one a thank-you card
From my interviews, make a list of ideal jobs and prioritize it.
Do more research (and more interviewing, if necessary) to identify the organizations in my preferred geographic area that have the kind of job I want. Find out what each organization does and what kind of problems they or their industry are wrestling with.
Send a thank you card to everyone who helps me with this research.
Use my network to identify and seek out the person who has the power to hire me for each of the jobs that I want
Use my contacts to get in to see him or her.
Prepare a killer presentation, showing them how I can help them with their problems. (Use every ounce of graphic design/showmanship/excellence-obsession I possess to convince them.)
Send them a thank you card
Repeat steps 8-13 until I have a job that I love
Go to work

See more progress on: find out what color my parachute is

Some job titles

2007-10-15T17:16:00.001-07:00

My brother and father helped me come up with this list. They used the “one-big-piece-of-paper” that I created from the parachute book. Here are their suggestions:

workshop teacher
biology professor
instrument designer
composer/musician
stage designer
commercial graphic designer
museum exhibit designer
design consultant

here are a few of my own:

Writer and graphic designer
for a science magazine like Seed or Wired
Instrument builder, D.J., and professional musician
following in the footsteps of Walter Kitundu
Professional teacher
of high school students, then college students. I would specialize in philosophy, psychology, and biology.
Museum exhibit designer/Workshop designer and teacher
in a hybrid of 1) an exhibit designer and 2) the job of Mike and Karen at the Exploratorium

See more progress on: find out what color my parachute is

Work and a late night

2007-10-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

what happened

I took Kim to school and slept in the car until she finished. A trip to the thrift store yielded a brand new work shirt. I went to work and had a good night. I hung out with Shane and his friends after work.

details

I must take my mirtazipan earlier in the evening because it knocks me out for a solid eight and a half hours. I slept in the car while Kim worked at UTA. By the time we made it to campus, her class was over, but she needed to work on a poster for her anthropology club. She made a beautiful poster for their brown bag lunch series. She was proud of it.

We drove to Fort Worth and I dropped her off at work. I didn’t have a clean, ironed shirt for work. I considered driving home, but it would have taken an hour and and a half round trip. I opted to go to the McCart thrift store instead. I found a new shirt for ten bucks. That is how much I would have spent on gas if I had driven home.

Work was good. I made seventy bucks. I’m finding a good rhythm. I can still streamline my approach to waiting on three or four tables, but I can deliver decent service even when I’m a little busy. I’m anxious to work on my music more. I’m going to pick my first twenty songs tonight and start working on the first two.

I dropped Shane off at his house after work. I ended up hanging out with him and his friends until 2 a.m.

gratitude

Yesterday I was grateful for…

an open mind I had fun meeting Shane’s friends. I probably won’t hang out with them again, but I’m glad I’m open enough to kick it with mostly anyone.

iTunes Party Shuffle apple makes cool, functional gadgets and software. I really like the elegance of the Party Shuffle feature. I’m a fan of mac products.

a new cell phone It’s large, but it has an mp3 player. Just about any phone is better than the crappy LG phone that I use now. Plus, it came with a leather case and it was free.

See more progress on: journal daily

Work and friends

2007-10-05T05:16:00.001-07:00

what happened

I woke up looking forward to going to work. I enjoy working at the restaurant a great deal. After work, I dropped Kim off at home and took my brother to go hear James’ band Sleeplab. They were excellent. The next day, I woke up at close to the time I needed to leave. I drove the Kia to Fort Worth on streets and it took an hour and twenty minutes. Grace and Julie worked with me tonight. We talked about character, personality, and families. I didn’t make much cash, but I had fun all the same.

details

Work was good on Wednesday. Eunice substituted for our usual Wednesday night piano player, Richard. She can read charts and transpose a little, but her skill level is about the same as his. She’s very warm though, so I enjoy singing with her. I had a lot of energy that evening, and Miti and I traded a lot of banter and jokes. I helped him in the kitchen, wrapping containers at the end of the night.

I drove Kim home, changed my clothes, then went to Fort Worth. James’ band Sleeplab were playing at a club called Embargo. It is a hip place, decorated like a lounge in Havana. The band was very good – they have a down-beat, lounge sound with a little house thrown in. I bought a couple of beers for Munir and myself. It was a fun night.

My brother and I sat in the car for twenty minutes after we made it back to his house, talking about music. We share more common experiences of music than I realized. We talked about John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme, Stevie Wonder’s drumming, funk, and more. It’s been fun getting to know him better in the past few weeks that he’s been in town.

When I first got to work on Thursday, Grace, Julie, and I had a long conversation while we did side work. It started when I told Grace about my epiphany from this weekend. She listened while I shared the insight that I’d come to. About pain. And about how we respond to other people’s actions and attitudes. This led to a conversation about human nature, and whether or not people are basically good or basically bad.

See more progress on: journal daily

A Sunday off (Complete, with comments on journaling)

2007-10-02T00:01:00.001-07:00

what happened

Last night I went to the Standard Transmission show. It was great to see Myles, Bree and the rest of the crew. Today, I have a cold so it’s been low key

details

The question for today is “should I journal publicly?” The answer is probably a qualified “yes.” I’m reading about some journaling exercises in the book I bought today Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment. The author suggests a private journal for the exercises. When you journal publicly, you lose an essential part of spontaneity and honesty. On the other hand, it feels GOOD journaling to other people. It feels intimate. It forces me to stand outside myself and look back with a different perspective. It is usually lopsided toward presenting my best self to the world, but some of the ugly and awkward creep through often enough. I think I will try a mix of public and private journaling.

The Standard Transmission concert on Saturday was a blast. I dropped Shane off at his house. He let me come in, meet his Mom, and change into my clothes. They have a beautiful house in a neighborhood south of Camp Bowie. He’s a young, well-educated guy. His house had an air of privilege. Maybe it was the wooden floors and big rooms? Maybe it was his story about getting pulled over in Como for being a white guy in a black neighborhood? The officer thought he must be buying weed. He probably does. He’s a fantastic guy; smart, warm, and friendly. He’s been showing me how to read music and sharing his knowledge of music theory with me.

I drove over to the Wreck Room for the show. I was excited to see Myles and Bree—I haven’t seen them since they moved to Chicago a year ago. Their band, Standard Transmission plays an exhilarating mix of blues and rock. They sing originals and covers, backed by a drummer with years of experience and Bree’s Uncle Charlie playing mouth harp. Their lead guitarist is my friend Aaron Laboon. He’s a bright guy, and we always have good conversations. I helped him load his equipment into his truck after the show and we had a fascinating conversation about his work for the government. The show was outstanding! It was great fun seeing all the crowd that I’ve gotten to know over the year that I went to their shows. Daniel, his wife, and his brother were there. Chuck and his violin-playing girlfriend were there. James was there. So was his mother.

Many people from Italian Inn had talked about going, but the only people that made it were Grace and Kim. I had flirted mercilessly with both of them earlier in the night, so it was almost awkward seeing them there. Kim didn’t stay for long – something about losing her cell phone and wanting to hang out with her friends from out of town. Grace hung out for a little longer. She was clearly not having a great time, but she was a good sport about. I don’t think it was her kind of crowd. Plus, I was the only person she knew there, aside from James. She is a genuinely kind person, full of good cheer and warmth. We had worked as partners, serving a giant birthday party at the restaurant. We made a good team. I feel bad that I’ve used our relationship as a way of responding to my wife. I should be more honest. Tomorrow. :)

today I’m grateful for…

Good music in abundance – I have collected thousands of recordings of some of the most spectacular music of the 20th century. Creative, passionate artists made this music over many years of labor. Now, modern digital technology has put it all at my fingertips.
Friendly people – I am fairly extroverted and I love to talk and joke around with strangers and friends.
A fabulous book – I bought it from Barnes and Noble. There’s much to be thankful for here: A giant bookstore with good lighting and comfortable chairs, air conditioning, leisure time, scientists studying happiness, modern publishing, and public libraries!

See more progress on: journal daily

A busy night at the Inn

2007-09-28T01:39:00.001-07:00

what happened

I had a long conversation this morning with my brother and my dad. We talked about happiness, the elephant-rider analogy, and politics. After a short workout, I drove to the restaurant. I worked with Grace and Julie tonight. Micheal was the pianist. It was a busy night and I made seventy bucks.

details

I woke up late and out of sorts at my parent’s house. I had stormed out of Cleo’s house the night before and found my way to my parents’ place after midnight. Munir let me in. I guess he stays up late most nights. Kim and I had gotten into it again, but this time I felt beleaguered enough to pack my stuff and leave. I was really angry. Now, I’m mostly hurt.

Yes, I know I lost my job and we’ve been living off of her financial aid money. Yes, I know that the Italian Inn may be fun, but it doesn’t earn the kind of money we need right now. Yes, I know I’m not as diligent with our finances as I could be. But, dammit, I work hard and I’ve paid the lion’s share of the bills for the past four years. That has to count for something. And the whole situation with our friend is ridiculous. I can’t believe she’s putting me through this same shit again. I’m trying to be philosophical about it, but I think leaving for a while was the right choice. I feel terrible knowing how tough transportation is going to be for her, but she made a big deal about me taking responsibility for the car, so it seems fitting that I keep it for now.

When I rolled off of the couch at 11:30 this morning, my brother and my dad were talking in the kitchen. I didn’t try to resist my urge to join the conversation since they were talking about personality, development, and psychology. The conversation took a turn into politics after an hour or two, but by then I needed to exercise and prepare for work. I did a half hour of yoga and meditated for ten minutes.

Work was fun today. I started out with a big party celebrating two birthdays. The table was fun and I helped them have a good time. Toward the end I got a little behind helping three other tables, but they still gave me a fifty dollar tip. My songs are finally beginning to sound solid. I’m still excited about the possibilities for learning more about music.

today I was grateful for

Calm from meditation Even ten minutes helped a great deal today
My watch It cost seventeen bucks at target, but it is really nice. I replaced the band with snazzier stainless steel band. Now that things are mass produced, I can buy a good product like my watch for a very small sum.
Good work I’m pretty good at finding work situations that suit my temperament well. I love working at the Italian Inn. I get to listen to the music I love, learn about music, sing, and serve people who appreciate good service.
Tony Bennett The man is cool. I’ve had his version of “The Touch of Your Lips” with Bill Evans playing piano going round in my head all evening. It’s glorious!
My parent’s nice, new house Sure it’s in the suburbs, but it is nice.

See more progress on: journal daily

Two eulogies for Saafir

2007-09-26T09:53:00.001-07:00

2007

Here lies Saafir.

Isn’t it remarkable?

He came out of the mindless buzz and fury, 15,000,000,000 years after the beginning of time.

Isn’t it remarkable?

He will soon disappear back into the mindless buzz and fury. Bit by bit, his body will return to the earth and sky. Microbes will eat his carbon and phosphorous. Next year’s grass will grow green with his nitrogen. His water will drift into the sky and join the clouds. Soon, most of his body will rain down from the sky and find it’s way back to the sea.

Isn’t it remarkable?

This quiet body was so recently animated and inspired. For 27 years it moved through the earth. It loved and laughed. It wept and dreamed. It sang and shouted. Now it is quiet, forever.

Isn’t it remarkable?

Even though breath no longer passes his lips, his voice still echoes in our heads. We still feel his arms embracing us. We still feel his warm breath, still hear his kind words ringing in our ears.

Even though the years will march on and his echo will fade;

Even though our voices will dim, then go silent;

Even though our sun will dim, then vanish into the mindless buzz and fury;

Isn’t it remarkable,

that his voice lived at all?

2065

The first time I saw Saafir, he had just moved into the house down the street. I can picture it vividly. He had on a colorful tie and he had taken off his jacket and spread it over the grass. He and a little girl in pink pajamas were lying on the lawn, looking up at the sky. They were surrounded by piles of boxes and an antique bedroom set, the wardrobe sitting askew and looking decidedly out of place on the lawn. Saafir gestured wildly and pointed at the sky. They both laughed. I never did find out what they were looking at that day (whether it was clouds, airplanes, rainbows, or dust motes) but this was a typical moment for the Saafir I came to know.

He was one of the most curious people I’ve ever known. He had a voracious appetite for learning. He passed up no chance to learn and spent most of his waking hours hunched over a book, brow furrowed, scribbling furiously in a notebook. His shelves overflowed with books on physics, poetry, and a hundred other topics. His willingness to lend them out was legendary among the neighborhood children. The only catch was that he might make you read the first chapter of Through the Looking Glass before you scurried off with it. His wife would often tease him, saying he should’ve married a librarian instead of an anthropologist.

We had a great friendship and spent many hours over coffee in his study, but I think Saafir ultimately had more in common with my kids than me. At my son’s insistence, Saafir would drag his congas out of the garage and across the street, set them up in my kitchen and help the 12-year old play. They would put Art Blakey’s Holiday for Skins on the record player for inspiration. Their playing would get louder and louder until, finally, my wife would come storming down the stairs, yelling for some peace. My son was never a particularly good conga player, but you’d never have known it from Saafir’s encouragement. My youngest daughter also adored him. He’d never show up at our door without a pocketful of chocolate coins that he would make magically disappear and reappear, to her delight. He would then sit patiently on our living room rug while she played with his hair and carefully lined up and named all twenty of her stuffed animals.

Here was a man who was thrilled by the fact that he was alive. You could see it in his eyes. In the way he laughed. I think he had a deeper appreciation for the high moments in his life from his intimacy with its depths. He struggled valiantly with depressive illness for his whole life, and towards the end, with a debilitating disease that slowly sapped the life from his body. But his mind never faltered. He cared about people, especially little people, and he had a fierce drive to understand the world around him.

See more progress on: write my own eulogy

Week 5: A Poem

2007-08-12T10:50:00.001-07:00

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thougth, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi
^{13th-century Sufi poet}

See more progress on: complete the Kabat-Zinn eight week mindfulness training program

Shirts, scarves, and jewelry

2007-08-06T10:22:00.001-07:00

Check out the turquoise jewelry, and the crocheted guitar strap!

See more progress on: dress better than Miles Davis, James Bond, and Jimi Hendrix

3-Minute Breathing Space: Basic Instructions

2007-07-27T06:14:00.001-07:00

Awareness

Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture. If possible, close your eyes. Then aske:

“What is my experience right now …in thoughts…in feelings…and in bodily sensations?

Acknowledge and register your experience, even if it is unwanted.

Gathering

Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each inbreath, and to each outbreath as they follow, one after the other.

Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tune into a state of awareness and stillness.

Expanding

Expand the field of your awareness around your breathing, so that it includes a sense of the body as a whole, your posture, and facial expression.

The breathing space provides a way to step out of automatic pilot mode and reconnect with the present moment

The key skill in using MBCT is to maintain awareness in the moment. Nothing else.

from Segal, Williams, and Teasdale Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression (2002)

See more progress on: complete the Kabat-Zinn eight week mindfulness training program

Day 3 of 15: 1 hour meditation, 1 mile in 7:49, 1 mile walking

2007-07-21T07:50:00.001-07:00

The long meditation was a stretch, but it wasn’t too difficult. At the end I mixed it up by sitting in alternating half lotus. The mile felt good. I wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow. Tonight I will go to an hour-long yoga class.

See more progress on: train 75 minutes a day, five days per week, for three weeks

Gratitude today

2007-07-15T07:15:00.001-07:00

sunshine and air conditioning
I can go outside and get hot, sweaty, and tanned on purpose. Cleo (Kim’s dad) keeps the house a frigid 62 degrees F. I think back to Texas summers in the single-wide trailer that I grew up in. The central air conditioning worked only occasionally, so we had to make do with window units and box fans.

inching closer to my family
I got to bond a little on my trip out to California.

for nice debt collectors
I owe a bunch of people a bunch of money. I just lost my job and I didn’t make a bunch of money then. It’s a good thing I won’t end up in prison or in stocks for my debt. It’s the upside to our debt-happy culture.

for a cat who loves me
She’s a nice animal. She’s affectionate and smart. I hope she lives a good long time.

See more progress on: Live in gratitude & be happy even if the rest of the things on this list never happen

Catching up Some

2007-07-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

what happened

The events of Wednesday through Saturday seem to blur together. This is why I try to journal daily. I talked to Ken and Basil on Thursday. Friday began with me finishing the process of being fired, then typing notes from the book Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression at my parents’ house. I spent Saturday at home, sleeping and reading a book about climate change.

details

I just happen to be reading two three books that touch on journal writing and one that features mindfulness. Jana Levin’s How the Universe Got Its Spots is written as a diary addressed to the physicist’s mother. Walden is mostly the result of Thoreau’s prolific journal writing, as encouraged by Emerson. And Field Notes from a Catastrophe is mostly, well, a carefully edited set of field notes. Thoreau’s book centers on his meditative encounter with nature. It is a fabulous companion to my investigation into mindfulness.

I spent Wednesday at home. I finished my work on the hedges. I worked off and on for several hours, sweating in the sun, trying to get the perfect shape out of the bushes. Cleo joined me for a while, trimming the beds with the weedeater and cutting down some limbs in the back yard. I cooked dinner for Kim. I met her at the door with a kiss and brought her to the bathroom for a hot bubble bath. We ate angel hair pasta and veggie meatballs while watching Ren and Stimpy. Ren and Stimpy killed the romantic mood, but we enjoyed the cherry pie all the same.

I talked to Ken on Thursday morning, after I dropped Kim off at class. It was a good conversation: he was impressed with the level of resilience I have shown in the past two weeks. Talking to him each week has helped me a great deal. I stopped by Dr. Bernstein’s office for an appointment in the afternoon. He listened patiently while I recounted the events of the week. He’s an extraordinary doctor.

Friday brought my second meeting with Sam. I wore my black jeans, a black tank top, and my black vest. People kept saying I looked like Rambo, which was not my intention. It’s a funny outfit to wear on the day that you fill out your exit paperwork. That night, we watched The Last King of Scotland.

Saturday was (too) uneventful. I was sleepy after the late night of movie watching. I slept in after dropping Kim off at work. I did polish off Elizabeth Kolbert’s book on climate changing. It was scary.

this week I was amazed by

the story of the dramatic impact we are having on our climate.

the delicious first few chapters in Janna Levin’s book. It’s a personal account of one scientist’s experience with math and physics

the possibilities of an intense martial arts practice

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Three Days of Mending

2007-07-11T11:05:00.001-07:00

what happened

Kim and I started to mend things between us. I started to mend a badly torn shirt. We went to Kalachandji’s, then to the used bookstore, Half-Price Books. I spent most of Monday cleaning the house. On Tuesday, I was fired.

details

I had prepared myself to stay at my parents after my drive back from California. We unpacked all of the luggage and put it into their apartment. I've always found their apartment vaguely depressing and on this night it felt doubly oppressive, since there was nothing I wanted more than to sleep in my own bed with my cat and wife. I tried calling her, but she didn't answer her cell phone.

I walked out of the apartment, looking for some kind of relief. In the state of mind I was in, I probably would have been better off going to sleep. It had been a long drive. But instead of going to bed, I wandered around in the dark. Woodhaven is a rundown neighborhood in Fort Worth. Dozens of apartment complexes drape a wooded hill. It was once an exclusive development of apartments and townhomes but time and neglect have taken their toll. The paint peels off of many of the buildings and the tenants move in and out often. My dad called and reminded me that it wasn't a good idea to stroll around Woodhaven in the dark. I didn't care much, but I eventually found my way back to the apartment.

Kim finally answered her phone. She had gone to S4 with her friend Britney, to see the drag show in the Rose Room. She agreed to come pick me up so that we could talk. We kissed awkwardly when she picked me up. Neither of us knew where we stood, so we tiptoed gingerly with our words. I was still feeling hurt and betrayed, she felt angry, frustrated, and afraid. We fell asleep without reaching any resolution. I didn't sleep well, and stumbled out of bed after a while to sit in the office and read. I couldn't concentrate but I was too tired to sleep. I stripped down and climbed back into bed. I woke her up with my kisses and we made passionate love. We hadn’t touched for two weeks, so the sex was heated and hungry.

We ended up having a lot of sex over the next few days. It helped us break past the bad emotions that were blocking our affection for each other. She sent me a text message today (Wednesday) that said, "I was just sitting at a stop light thinking about how beautiful you are...I love you so much."

On Sunday, we went to our favorite vegetarian restaurant, Kalachandji’s. It was nice. They served tofu “fish” sticks, which made me think about Moona. We went to Half-Price books after dinner. I was on the hunt for a few more books about physics. Kim got a few fashion and anthropology books.

I stayed at home on Monday and cleaned the house. I spent the afternoon in the yard, trimming the hedges in front. I’m trying for a cool curvy shape, but it is hard to do one that looks nice. It was nice to work outside in the sun with my shirt off. Kim picked me up after work and we went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner.

I woke up later than I had planned on Tuesday. Kim dropped me off at the train station on her way to class. I didn’t know what to expect when I got in. I have been away for three weeks. The floor staff all said that they’d missed me. “Where’ve you been?” Out sick. The place seemed deserted—no Jonathon, no Cale, no Megan, and no Lucy. When I passed by the studio, I was surprised to see Megan talking to Sammie, Rockey, and Brandy. The air was thick with tension. Sammie said, “You should go talk to Sam.” It was clear that she’d been talking with him already. I went down to his office. He told me that they couldn’t afford to keep me on full time. The grant had ended, the building was closing for the rebuild, and the Museum needed to pull in its belt. He wasn’t happy about it and he offered me a part-time position. I said I’d think about it. Sammie is a really bad person to have as an enemy. She’s crafty and can turn people against you. She even had my wife second guessing me and our marriage. My firing was probably inevitable. We had hired more staff than we could support, especially with the building closing for the remodel. But it’s likely that Sammie’s input pushed it along. Anyhow, I’m looking at it as a chance to finish school and make some other changes that are long overdue.

Kim and I went to the library downtown to kill time until our yoga class. We checked out a stack of DVDs. I also checked out a stack of books and CDs. I checked out…

A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman by James Gleick
Field Notes from a Catastrophe: Man, Nature, and Climate change by Elizabeth Kolbert
The Fabric of the Cosmos: Space, Time, and the Texture of Reality by Brian Greene, and
A Short History of Myth by Karen Armstrong

Ashtanga yoga class was fantastic. It was vigorous but it left me energetic and relaxed. Mary Elizabeth is a good teacher. I’d like to practice daily.

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Driving

2007-07-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

what happened

On Thursday, I dropped Latifah off at work, then took her drop-top Mercedes for a drive up the Pacific Coast Highway. I stopped at a beautiful home in Malibu that had been turned into a Museum. I also stopped at a small bookstore and a vintage porn shop. We drove back to Texas on Friday and Saturday.

details

Malibu is beautiful! I ended up there by accident on Thursday. I asked Latifah to use her car for the day. I thought it would be fun to drive her Mercedes convertible in L.A. traffic. I intended to take Hanan to the science Museum, but it took the whole day for Halimah to finish tightening her dredlocks. I dropped Latifah off at her job in Santa Monica and ate breakfast at a pretty little restuarant there. I sat at the counter reading Walden and flirting with the waitress. I hoped in Latifah’s car and spent the next thirty minutes trying to figure out how to put the top down. Then I took off driving without any particular destination. I wound up on the Pacific Coast Highway. It felt great to drive fast down the winding road. The ocean was on my left and mountains were on my right. Tony Williams’ drums were louder than the ocean.

I saw a sign for the Malibu Lagoon State Beach and pulled over. I wandered around for a while and found myself on the grounds of the Adamson House. Bursts of flowers and a meticulously kept lawn surrounded the house. It was built in a Spanish Colonial style. I paid the five dollars and took the tour. The house was breathtakingly beautiful, inside and out.

Inside the Adamson House. The “rug” is actually tile.

I drove a bit further down the coast, stopping when I found a bookstore called Diesel. I found a stack of fascinating books on physics. I also found a beautiful book of tattoes. I bought Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations for ten bucks and escaped without spending any more money. I ate an overpriced quesadilla, then drove back to L.A. I tried to go the aviation museum at the Santa Monica airport, but it was closed. On my way back out to Latifah’s job, I found a cool little porn bookstore. They had hundreds of vintage Playboys and Hustlers from the sixties on. I parked in the garage on 2nd street and went over to the mall. I found out later that there were six identical parking garages on that block. I spent a half hour frantically searching for Latifah’s car when I started in the wrong garage.

I went to sleep early that night. I notice that my mood is often low at night, especially if I am tired. I went to bed thinking dark thoughts, but I woke up refreshed and happy.

Sandy and George stopped by to say goodbye. We got on the road after a stop at Auntie Janice’s house. I drove from L.A. to Pheonix. I sped the whole way, topping out at 115 mph. It was exhilarating.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. When I called Kim late Friday night, she suggested again that I stay at my parents until we got things sorted out. I agreed, begrudgingly. Mom gave Hanan a hard time about the shirt she was wearing and made her put on a jacket even thought it was a hundred degrees. I scooted over next to her while she cried in the back seat. Kim ended up picking me up anyway, we had a tense conversation before falling asleep.

this weekend I was awed by

the mountains and beach and ocean of the Pacific coast

this weekend I was intrigued by

Thoreau’s ideas about clothes and houses

the possibilities for traveling across the United States. I want to hop freight trains one day. Or ride a motorcycle across the U.S. In a few years, when Hanan gets her driving license, we plan to go on a grand road trip around the American West.

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a wedding and a drum circle

2007-07-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

what happened

On Tuesday, I went to three Museums in Exposition Park. That night we went to Rudy’s wedding and wedding reception. The reception was fun, laughing and dancing with family and friends. I spent the night at my sibling’s tiny apartment. The next day, we spent the 4th of July at Venice Beach.

details

I had a long, heated conversation with Latifah and mom this morning. We started talking about science, theories, beliefs, and personality. It was the oldy-but-goody conversation: they think I’m closed minded and I think they aren’t critical enough. I should probably avoid that conversation with them. It doesn’t lead to much bonding or understanding. I will not retreat from my allegiance to critical thinking and reason. But my relationships are sometimes more important than ideas.

Latifah dropped me off at Exposition Park late in the morning. I’d been planning to visit a few museums since I got to L.A. I started out at the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County. It is in a huge beautiful building, the walls are polished limestone, the floors are marble and stone, and the cases are built from hard woods. It is an old-fashioned museum, filled with dioramas and dinosaur skeletons. I was impressed by their exhibit on birds. They had tried harder to make the exhibit a better learning experience than the older halls filled with stuffed mammals. It was great fun.

I walked down past the rose gardens to the ScienCenter of California. Admission was free. The building was much more modern than the Natural History Museum and the museum was more lively and interesting. They had many of the familiar Exploratorium exhibits and a bunch of traveling shows. I was excited by the entrance to their exhibit on life – they’d constructed a very cool media experience that showed how much human life has in common with all other life. You stood in a hallway with seven large screens as images and videos flashed on each screen, telling the story of how all life is connected. Fascinating! This exhibit also featured a live action microscope magnified two-hundred times and projected on the floor. I didn’t want to see too much of the Museum, because I wanted to take Hanan there another day.

The last Museum I visited was the African-American Museum. It’s in a pretty building and it featured an exhibit about Architecture in Africa. I enjoyed this one as well, but I’d like to bring Dad back to it.

I came back to the house from Exposition Park on a bus. I got off two miles away and walked over to granddad’s house. I threw on my black slacks, black shirt, and white sport coat to go to the wedding. They held it a fancy church in Beverly Hills. There was a lot of tension and a lot of drama surrounding the wedding, but it was mostly just fun.

The reception happened at the Bel Aire country club, looking out over the Pacific Ocean. It was an elaborate affair, with dancing and toasts and fireworks. The DJ was pretty good and we all enjoyed the music he played. We did some group dances and I enjoyed the feeling of spinning and dancing in a crowd of my relatives. There was an awkward speech by the best friend of the bride. It sounded like she dated Rudy first, and introduced him to his wife. She sounded bitter about it, but it was hard to tell through all the tears. The mother of the bride gave another long speech about her relationship to her daughter (with little mention of Rudy). Rudy’s parents were barely included in the wedding and the reception. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet; instead she gave it to her best friend, her mom. A little strange, but we had fun. Rudy is such a romantic. He even ordered fireworks for his bride.

We got back to their apartment late Tuesday night. They all live in a ten by ten room behind some Mexican family’s house. It’s a shabby place with a tarp on the roof and no air conditioning. Arletta just got a call back with a job offer from a clothing store.

I had a long fight with Kim on the phone. She’s frustrated and I’m fed up. I’m thinking about just staying out here in California for a while. She’s tired of dealing with me and my moods. I guess I understand.

We spent the rest of the day at the beach. After a long nap, I wandered down and found the drum circle again. I played a cowbell, then I borrowed a djembe from this cool Hawaiian guy. I alternated between a tambourine and the cowbell. It was a lot of fun.

today I was awed by

the brilliant photos of interstellar objects, taken by the Hubble space telescope

dancing and playing in the drum circle again

today I was intrigued by

chaparral. I really want to do some hiking before we leave on Friday

the families of birds I saw at the Natural History museum. I’d like to learn all the families, and a bit of bird biology.

See more progress on: journal daily

Driving to Los Angeles

2007-07-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

what happened

I drove from Texas to L.A. with my mom, dad, and little sister.

details

We drove for twenty-two hours. I saw desert and mountains and fields of windmills. I read about how gigantic the universe really is. I also listened to hours of Miles Davis recordings.

highlights

I danced and danced and banged on a cowbell in a drum circle on the beach.

I read most of a wonderful story—how we figured out the size, age and origin of the universe.

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Chicken Soup for the Skeptic's Soul: Now, Discover Your Strengths

2006-11-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

There are thousands of self-help books in the management section of your local bookstore, covering a bewildering spectrum of ideas about how to bring out the best in people. Few of them are helpful, beyond trite statements about human behavior, and even fewer of them are based on more than a modicum of research. Now, Discover Your Strengths is an excellent book on both counts. The Gallup organization has studied excellence in many fields for over thirty years. This book summarizes some of that research from the perspective of identifying and bolstering people's talents.

The writers worked hard to make the book clear, precise, and readable. The book never sacrifices clarity, even when faced with complex ideas. I had to read the book twice to make sure that the straightforward writing wasn't masking conceptual problems. It wasn't. The writers lay out the main idea right away; they write that "to excel in your chosen field and to find lasting satisfaction in doing so, you will need to...become an expert at finding and describing and applying and practicing and refining your strengths." They go on to describe precisely what they mean by "strengths," then they give you a tool to discover your own strengths by taking an on-line test.

The outstanding thing about Now, Discover Your Strengths is the foundation of research that supports it. The Gallup folks are serious about their research. The claims in this book are based on reliable studies of almost 2 million employees. If you have any doubts about their research methods, the writers supply a technical report on the StrengthsFinder tool in an appendix. I almost wet my pants with glee, reading about interrater reliability, modern test theory, and "big five" personality factors. All of this is safely ignored in favor of the practical suggestion in the main sections of the book, but it makes a skeptic like me confident in recommending this book to everyone on my team.

Here are the main reasons why I recommend this book with no reservations:

It's based on exhaustive research,
It comes with a free test...a similar tool would cost hundreds of dollars if you bought it from a career counselor or management consultant, and
It is carefully written and eminently practical.

Now, go buy yourself a copy, take the test, and start a strengths revolution at your own workplace.

Chicken Soup for the Skeptic's Soul: The Joy of Sex

2006-10-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

I bought the hardcover edition of The Joy of Sex several years ago. This morning I picked it up and read it from cover to cover. I enjoyed it greatly. The new edition is beautifully printed with elegant line drawings and full color photographs. It preserves the quirky charm of the original edition, but this may be its biggest flaw.

Alex Comfort essentialy invented the modern sex manual when he wrote the first edition of The Joy of Sex in 1972. We can thank Comfort's pioneering efforts for the sagging shelves of sex books we enjoy in our bookstores today. Still, some of his advice sounds hopelessly dated. My favorite anachronism is a sexual position he calls the "Negresse." I'm not sure how that made it past the editors. Supposedly "completely updated for the 21st century," the book has a distinctly 70s feel. I find it charming, but some of the other Amazon reviewers don't.

Despite its flaws, this book deserves its status as an enduring classic. Comfort's approach to sex is humane and thoughtful. Reading his descriptions, you get the impression of a sensitive field scientist with a knack for philosophising about human nature. Other sex books get so wrapped up in the mechanics of sex and so enamoured with graphic depections of sex that they lose some of the human perspective. Comfort's book holds on to it tenaciously. A book with a wise and unbothered approach becomes even more welcome at a time when you can see images of every imaginable sexual act on the internet. There are better technical manuals on sex. Read Comfort's book for context and for beautiful drawings. Above all, read it to learn how take your time and savor lovemaking in all its varieties.

Formatting Heaven (Hell?)

2006-08-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

I've put in a dozen hours over the past two days making this blog look pretty. Now I can sit back and enjoy the fruit of my labor. I think I have some kind of an illness - obsessive-compulsive formatting disorder has to have an entry in the DSM-IV. But ain't the blog pretty? Cheers!

(Well, at least I've been more productive than Simone)

My Agenda for the Day

2006-08-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

9:00 - 12:00 Sleep on the couch
12:00 - 3:00 Sleep by the window
3:00 - 10:00 Sleep by the couch
10:00 - 10:15 Eat

Kim Saafir: A Portrait

2006-08-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

On Being Depressed

2006-08-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

There are many ways to get time off of work. Becoming suicidally depressed is my least favorite. Depression sucks. I'd gone for two months without a glimmer of the blues, when BAM! the fog of depression dropped out of the sky and swallowed my life for a few days. Away went my plans to work two full-time jobs to catch up on bills. And away went my steep upward trajectory at work. Depression highlights all of my worst tendencies. Forget about showing up late, I don't show up at all. My typically scattered brain fragments into little pieces and I can't keep my attention on a task for longer than a few seconds. Can't understand my sentences? When I'm depressed, every statement is a slowly stitched together spew of nonsense. I'm glad to be back from the land of the neardead. I'll sign up for some of those electrodes as soon as they're available.

Disgust for Good

2006-08-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

Short reviews of two compelling films that show disgust in distinct ways

Brokeback Mountain

How can a person beat another person to death because they are gay? What emotions drive a heinous act like that? I'm convinced that the one emotion powerful enough to drive such behavior is disgust. Once you put something in the category "dirty," you are energized to get rid of it, to get it as far away as possible from yourself to avoid contamination. This is a useful emotion and without it we would be vulnerable to sickness and disease. Think about the kinds of objects we find disgusting. Feces, bodily fluids, and rotting meat all make our stomach turn, and all of these can make us sick. The emotions surrounding contamination are compelling. Somehow, we are able to transfer those emotions from disgusting objects to "disgusting" people and this is where things get ugly.

There are no good rational arguments against homosexual behavior. The strong moral indignation that people feel against gay sex is driven almost entirely by the feeling of disgust. If you listen to people who are against gay sex, it usually becomes clear that the religious or moral justification they give for their belief is just window dressing over a potent emotion: disgust. While emotions are important in our moral lives, disgust is a flimsy basis for passing damning judgements on our fellow human beings. I imagine this is one way ordinary people were able to participate in the Holocaust. If we can think of Jews, gays, and retards as the dirty other,it doesn't bother us to torture and kill them.

I love the movie Brokeback Mountain because it confronts this feeling in the most direct way possible. It shows us two people falling in love with each other in such a beautiful way that makes it impossible for most of us not to empathize with them. We have all fallen in love before and watching the heartbreak driven by this couple's unfortunate circumstances speaks volumes. Watching this movie, we are forced to overcome our revulsion, and face gays squarely as human beings, worthy of love and compassion.

Super Size Me!

Talk about disgusting! In the first ten minute of the film we get to see Morgan Spurlock stuff down a super-sized meal, then vomit it out of his car window. Don't misunderstand, this movie is great fun. Somehow it is entertaining to see him try the ridiculous stunt of eating nothing but fast-food for an entire month and nearly killing himself. It is fascinating to watch his body break down under this treatment. Every time he takes another bite of a McDonalds hamburger, your stomach turns and you want to go in the bathroom and retch for him. It becomes so ghastly towards the end of the film, that you are yelling along with the his doctors when they plead with him to stop hurting himself. It's enough to convinced the most devoted McFan to give up the golden arches. This is disgust at its finest.

The Sunday Ritual

2006-05-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Here's our first stab at creating a blog. Look for drastic changes in the near future.

K & S